Losing It

Hi, blog. It's been awhile. Probably too long. I certainly wish it was under better, more creative circumstances. You see, about 11 days ago now, I found out I am losing my job. (That present progressive verb is used on purpose here because I have to keep DOING my job - my ridiculously difficult, emotional, and overwhelming even on a good day job - for another two months. All is not yet lost.) Needless to say, that was pretty devastating news for me, seeing as I absolutely love my job and I've been assured by everyone (including the bearer of bad news) that I am very good at it. Even though my love for my work had kind of been in doubt for awhile now (I had seriously thought about what it would be like to pursue a different career, even fantasizing at times about the "luxury" of working a desk job where I could listen to my own music, work at my own pace, and go to the bathroom whenever I damn well pleased), I remembered precisely how much I love my particular job the instant it was taken away from me.

I've already spent way too much time thinking about all my regrets, the people I will miss, the graduations I contributed to but won't see... so I won't use this space to cry about that. I'm done crying. Besides, I came here this evening for a different reason. Obviously, I'm applying for new jobs (I am definitely not marrying a sugar daddy... mama's gotta work), so even though I don't use my full name there and I'm practically unsearchable, I checked my Facebook privacy settings. Upon viewing my profile as the general public would, I noticed something odd - the only thing they have access to is the notes section of my profile. I haven't posted a note to Facebook in years. A. and I weren't even dating yet when I posted the last one, and we're getting married in 87 days, if that tells you anything.

Anyway, I naturally started reading through some of those old posts to see whether I should delete them or if they were safe to leave. It's mostly innocuous; lots of those dumb surveys that were popular back when Facebook was first really taking off, a few observations of daily college life, and one particularly feisty rant about Kansas' inability to clear snow properly (in my defense, KU had just lost, so I was quite irritable already). The most interesting thing I found, though, was a writing exercise I used to make myself do when I was feeling stressed and had time to kill at my reference desk work-study job. I would force myself to make (and publish, via notes) two simple lists: the things that made me happy at that moment, and the things that didn't. The goal was to list more happy things than unhappy things. Simple, yet effective. It nearly always worked to put things in perspective and forced me to look on the bright side. I can't think of anything I need more than that right now, so here goes. Indulge me, if you will.

Things that make me happy this evening:
Our incredibly warm and snuggly couch, a warm blanket, a stomach full (and relatively settled, thank goodness) of white chicken chili, leftovers of said chili packed and ready for lunches, an evening of good re-runs of Top Gear on BBC America, a cold beer, Cadbury Mini-Eggs (a surprise from A.), good news today on the job search front, A. getting really excited about Dr. Who commercials on BBC America, goodnight kisses, literally everything about my dear fiancee including how he just glued his fingers together while assembling his nerdy dudes, remembering words of encouragement from dear colleagues, my students were more pleasant than normal after a week's rest, a load of laundry is running, ridiculous Buzzfeed articles (seriously, I'm a sucker for a good set of autocorrects, and today's is gold), knowing I was strong enough to not tear up in front of students today, @FakeJoeDooley and his ridiculous tweets, my Jayhawks are in the Sweet 16, my ring is still extra sparkly from a spring break cleaning, texts from my BFF checking on me, and Pinterest!

Things that make me unhappy this evening:
Having to look for jobs at all, being nervous about going to work every day because I don't know how I'll react, being worried that I'll get another poor night's sleep, feeling like a failure despite everyone's best efforts to convince me I'm not, the gigantic pile of grading that should have been done over break but wasn't because of all the crying/staring/sleeping/puking etc. that happened instead, the draft that perpetually runs across our living room, job websites that won't load properly, a generally unclean apartment (see previous crying/staring...), an unfinished book I know I'll love but still can't concentrate on due to previously mentioned worries.

Well, the unhappy list has some seriously heavy hitters on it, but the happy list is still longer and prominently features the ultimate trump cards: my friends and my family. Time to focus on that and let them help me hope for the best.

SWF seeking man of her dreams

One of my colleagues posed a challenge to our department over the weekend: write a personal ad describing what you are looking for in an ideal relationship. She will be giving the same assignment to her creative writing students this week, and wanted to see what we would come up with. Here goes.

Single white female in her 20's seeks single male also in his 20's for long-term relationship. Dealbreakers first: No smoking (of any kind), must want kids (3, ideally, but 2 is negotiable), and must pursue an honest, equal relationship - no playing games. Must be smart, funny, handsome, and kind. Requests: Should push me out of my comfort zone but not mock me when I choose to stay in it. Sometimes Kraft Macaroni and Cheese really is where it's at. Should be an excellent and willing cook, though, or that's all we'll eat. Money is not a requirement, but ambition is, and you'll want to have a strategy in place for calming me down when mine overwhelms me. Should tell me I'm beautiful even when I'm disgustingly sick - and mean it. No playing games, remember? Should be willing to have fun, even at the expense of looking foolish, in any situation. For example, are you down with throwing bacon into a shopping cart ten feet away? Should come from a loving and supportive family, preferably one which fostered a healthy appreciation for the Muppets. Must be able to put up with my screaming at the television during sporting events, but joining in is not required. An appropriate understanding of personal space and alone time is helpful, but so is an understanding of the long, silent, supportive hug. Should be willing and able to squash bugs. Bottom line: must be willing to love, be loved, and show it every day.

Just for the record, no applicants need apply. Position filled. (Love you, A.)

It's the little things...

Crazy day at work... I don't want to get into it. But it means I brought a lot of work home tonight, so today's poem has to be short, sweet, and already finished. This idea and half a line had been sitting idle in my notebook since around this time last year but had never developed, so the other day I set it free by turning it into a haiku.

Basically, I'm a big dork. Duh. And when I dorkily worked at the library, I would oftentimes have to take big carts of books upstairs and put them away. This required using an elevator. By myself. And what does a dork like me do in an elevator on her own? Crank up the iPod and DANCE.


Elevator dance -
book truck will never tell, but
makes a poor partner.

April 1st, 2011

One down...

I am tired.

Fortunately, this time it’s the kind of tired that accumulates from too much of a good thing (several good things, even). I have survived my first week of teaching; a week that included changing the name of my course, a fourteen hour day on Back to School Night, improvising due to a malfunctioning projector, and employing the principal as an emergency substitute when an IEP meeting ran long. This week has already felt like a month, except I hope that in a month, I know a lot more than 60% of my students’ names!

All of that sounds negative, but as I had hoped/expected, this has been one of the most rewarding and affirming weeks I’ve had in a long time. I'm amazed at how quickly I went from the terror of realizing that of everyone in the room, *I* was supposed to be in charge (yikes!) to the familiar ease of talking with kids and leading them toward a goal. I already feel right at home in my classroom with these fascinating students, and I’m cheesily excited about what we’ll be able to accomplish together this year. Our classroom already feels both fun and productive, and I hope we can maintain that balance as the kiddos get crazier.

Some highlights from week one:

• I’m creating a fleet of miniature copy editors by offering extra credit if they find published mistakes to put on our “wall of shame.” There have already been submissions.

• I spied a student carefully copying Thursday’s “Big Word of the Day” onto a growing list at the back of her journal, completely unprompted. Call me dorky, but that's awesome.

• Magnetic poetry is a big hit - the best additions to my metal desk and bookshelf so far are: “death must be 2 good to like mr. experience,” “whisper music in a picture/I almost run 2 winter inc./diamond feet boil over scholarships,” and my personal favorite, “a juggernaut butt said you have a repulsive man lust.” (That one is just so perfectly middle school boy…)

I very smartly planned for them to do their first class presentations for the next two days so that I could take today off – happy birthday to me! I’ve already watched one movie and there’s another on tap, but for now I’m grabbing a book and I’ll catch you poolside. ;)