I am frustrated.
I want to write. I want the feeling of creativity and inspiration that comes when I write. I feel like a hypocrite every day when I ask my students to write while I do not.
But I’ve got nothing.
It’s a goal of mine (call it a Resolution if you must) to both read and write more this year. I’ve been reading (We, The Golden Compass – both are excellent so far), which is a start, but I can’t write.
I feel like my brain is constantly on overdrive, and every time I think of something vaguely creative or meaningful, it immediately gets shoved out of the way by the never-ending deluge of more pressing, practical problems and tasks. Have I filled out that form yet? Did I ever make it to the printer this morning? I’m running out of clean clothes. And gas. What am I going to do about my student who is tardy every single day? When’s the last time I went to the grocery store? Oh crap, my phone is dying again. What am I going to do in class tomorrow? Should I take K-10 or I-70 to KC today? Hey, that would be a cool idea for a poem… wait, where did I leave my to-do list?
And so on.
Everything comes in fits and starts, like an engine that won’t turn over. I feel like my days are choppy, and my thoughts reflect that. When inspiration does hit, it stops short of completion, and I suddenly lack the time and patience to work and follow through. My notebook is full of half-ideas and clipped phrases, and that’s when I bother to grab it at all.
Try as I might, I can’t push down the nagging fear that I might not be challenging myself intellectually right now; that the unavoidable boredom of constructing basic sentences and simple paragraphs 5 times a day every day could be a contributing factor to the increasingly basic nature of my thoughts. It's not the only distraction or the only possible cause, but it’s always been in my nature – get bored, get comfortable being bored, settle in. Don’t rock the boat. Change is scary. Change takes work. Sigh.
Like everything else I’ve tried to write lately, I don’t know where I’m going with this, how it ends, or what I want out of it. I think I just needed to… write.
“Everything comes in fits and starts, like an engine that won’t turn over. I feel like my days are choppy, and my thoughts reflect that. When inspiration does hit, it stops short of completion, and I suddenly lack the time and patience to work and follow through.”
ReplyDeleteIt is a truism that it is nearly impossible for writing teachers to write well.
“My notebook is full of half-ideas and clipped phrases, and that’s when I bother to grab it at all.”
This is another symptom of writingteacheritis. The only preventative measure is to ALWAYS grab the notebook and buy as many as you can, preferable pocket sized.
”Try as I might, I can’t push down the nagging fear that I might not be challenging myself intellectually right now; that the unavoidable boredom of constructing basic sentences and simple paragraphs 5 times a day every day could be a contributing factor to the increasingly basic nature of my thoughts.”
See above truism…in extreme cases (or to those undergoing initiation) it can spread to one’s ability to think well. The good news is that it is not terminal and through preventative measures (see above) it may not become chronic.
“It's not the only distraction or the only possible cause, but it’s always been in my nature – get bored, get comfortable being bored, settle in. Don’t rock the boat. Change is scary. Change takes work. Sigh.]”
Nothing is constant but change, or so says the Buddha.
You can do it. I was just telling my reluctant creative writers that there is no such thing as writer’s block, only brain block, and the only way to break it is to just think and put down words. One good way to break the block is to turn something you commonly do (say, make lists) into a poem. A good list poem almost always breaks the funk. So, your next poem is: Topics I hope my students never write about. Good luck.
Thanks for the diagnosis and advice, Dr. W.C.P. :) I might just try that this weekend... or sometime soon, at least.
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