I have hit a wall on this poem, but it deserves to be finished and re-posted with a proper write-up because there are things in it that I absolutely LOVE. So, I am turning it over to more capable (or at least more objective and less distracted) hands. My biggest issue is the ending - I can't decide if it just needs a better last line (this one is terrible) or if it should keep going; perhaps a third movement about the trip back to KS? I don't know. Thoughts? Push me. I need it.
(It also needs a title)
Fill up the car and hit the road,
no hastily scrawled dashboard directions necessary;
left where the deer (no antelope) play,
left again at the top of the hill, and you’re there:
home.
If only it were still that simple.
Heart pulls southward,
against the cruise control
for the first time -
unclear toward what or whom,
but for ten hours, the sensation is tangible;
landmarks and reminders appear in the rearview.
Arrival never tastes the way you’d expect –
like frosting on a store-bought cake.
Sometimes bitterly sweet,
but more often, full of air.
Within the brick walls lies a paradox
of simultaneous same and different.
Everything smells right, but looks a little off.
What was solid rock is now wobbly;
A foundation crumbles,
an aging dog stumbles,
and you realize:
perhaps home has become a figurative place
waiting to be re-created.
The ending is EXCELLENT! I liked that you didn't just say "Kansas," but referenced the state song. Well, here is what I'm encouraging my summer students to do -- Try to incorporate the 5 senses. Do a draft where you try to use all 5, then do a draft where you just write in the ones that seem obvious when you re-read your draft. The senses really help with description and can help you turn things into great metaphors, I think.
ReplyDeleteOh, by the way, yes we should get together. I could do Saturday late afternoon or evening.
ReplyDeleteGood advice! I'll have to try that, see if it gets me anywhere. I should clarify on the ending: I like the *idea* of it, but the current wording feels far too blatant and awkward. It's that last two lines that just keeps bugging me.
ReplyDeleteFirst three stanzas are solid...no changes necessary.
ReplyDeleteKill the "you" in line 1 of stanza 4. Let the openness of the idea infect us all, including you.
Kill "paradox" in line 1 of stanza 5. Go with: "Within brick walls lies a sameness, a difference." Assume we'll get the paradox.
Kill "...but looks a little off." Your descriptions tell me this. I don't need it.
Kill "perhaps" in penultimate line. Say it. Believe in it. The poem has an energy, a path it is taking. Don't distract from the end to which you have directed me. Say it. Don't hedge.
And after you do all that, put it back the way it was. What do I know anyway?
By the way, thanks for the comments on mine. You are too kind though.
I hope all is well.
1: great job; I knew you could/would do it.
ReplyDelete2: titles are personal and shouldn't be advised, that being said, maybe a street name?
3: I agree with Ms. Wright Mike.
4: I love:
Heart pulls southward,
against the cruise control
for the first time -
unclear toward what or whom,
but for ten hours, the sensation is tangible;
landmarks and reminders appear in the rearview.
Build around this...the "tangibil"ity
5: The dog, really?! Awesome, Odyssey won't go away will it?
6: If home is a metaphor, what does it stand for?
I pretty much agree with you on the last line and all the advice you've received so far.
ReplyDeleteThe thing is (with the last line), the metaphor of creation comes out of nowhere and doesn't really fit the mood of the rest of the poem. It's too intangible and independent of the poem's imagery, imo.
Still, I like where it's going. Best of luck with it!
The last line perhaps seems a little awkward because it seems to end abruptly...but I think it's important because it shows a turning of your thought processes...you have this "problem" of being not sure where your home is, so you need to create that feeling of home again, for yourself...essentially you are admitting to a problem and realizing how to fix it. In that sense, it's a great ending!
ReplyDelete(But I'm just an interior designer, so what do I know about poetry??? :))
ReplyDeleteThanks for the help, everybody! The new draft is nearly complete - I'll try to have it up sometime this week. :)
ReplyDeleteInterior design has everything to do with poetry. In fact, that describes the process fairly well.
ReplyDeleteTake in the outer details, ideas. Process. Formulate an interior image. Construct. Present.